Would Everyone PLEASE Stop Dying!

This is getting ridiculous.
Fuck the rule of threes. People are dropping like fucking flies now. Every week there's a new batch of dead entertainers who really contributed something.I'm not sure why Harold Ramis is the one that put me over the edge, but he did. Maybe because he was so instrumental to many of the films that I loved growing up.

THE DEAD (Just in fucking February, which ain't over yet btw):
Maximilian Schell
Philip Seymour Hoffman
Shirley Temple Black
Sid Caesar
Ralph Waite
John Henson
Malcolm Tierney
Harold Ramis

No small number of them died younger than they should have, from overdose or rare illness. And for the record, just to  put into sharp relief the injustice of it all...

THE LIVING (and still working)
Lindsay Lohan
Kirk Cameron
Stephen Baldwin
Charlie Sheen
Chelsea Handler
Corey Feldman
Dane Cook
Rob Schneider

Seriously, fuck this shit. I quit.

I've Sinew Naked Too Much Already!

Ahhh, puns.
Seriously though, is there really that big a market for Willem Dafoe nude scenes? They're everywhere! Google "Willem Dafoe naked", if you dare.
Now I'm not saying the man has anything to be ashamed of. He doesn't. He keeps himself fit and healthy. I have shame, because I've really let myself go over the last fifteen years. But fitness levels notwithstanding, this is one weird-ass body to keep putting onto film.
Picture Dafoe's face: not exactly hideous, but definitely odd; every feature fighting for dominance, bony protrusions in all the wrong places, skin pulled tightly over tendons like wet rubber bands. Now imagine that face has legs and a penis. Because that shit goes all the way down. The guy looks like a novice art student's hastily-drawn figure study crawled off the page and started fucking anything that moved.
I think my first Willem sex scene was a couple decades ago, with Madonna and some dripping candle wax. Not a pleasant memory. But I don't really follow his films, so I didn't realize how common this was. I wouldn't see that pale, vacu-sealed skin again until the first Spider-Man movie. (Thanks a lot, Raimi.)
More recently he was a demon, or the devil, or something (I've said before that I don't do research). The poster showed off his grisly torso from behind with some wood sprite or something wrapping her legs around him, because who wouldn't pay to see more of that in the theater? I'll take two tickets, one for me and one for the nurse who puts moisturizing drops in my pried-open eyeballs!
Now there's Nymphomaniac. It's an ensemble piece, so everyone gets a chance to strip and show their O face. And that's just for the posters. Of course, the producers say, let's get Willem Dafoe! That guy fucking LOVES doing nude scenes! Really, he's done so damn many this must be some kinda thing for him. And once again a crew of honest, hard-working, possibly unsuspecting union professionals shows up on the set to powder, light, and film his puckered, clenching buttocks.
I know I should be focused on Shia "Mutt" LeBeouf being in this film because of all the shit about plagiarism, but...
Sorry, wait. I have to take a moment here. Yes, I said I don't do research, but I did go as far as to look up the proper spelling of LeBeouf just now on imdb, and it turns out there's a Nymphomaniac VOLUME TWO???
Fuck it. Forget Willem Dafoe's freaky alien autopsy physique. I'm done with this one. And no more researching; it only leads to more disappointing knowledge.

Lego Movie: I LOVE That I Love Movies!

The Lego Movie

Directed by Phil Lord & Christopher Miller

Starring Chris Pratt, Elizabeth Banks, Will Arnett, Morgan Freeman, Will Ferrell, and a shit-ton of other people

I know, I've kinda painted myself into a corner with the title and attitude of this blog so far. I've pigeon-holed myself (snicker) as a curmudgeonly malcontent who hates all films while claiming to love the art form. I should especially hate crass commercialism in the form of a movie all about a toy line. But -- and I courageously say this now to the whopping three people reading -- fuck that noise. I can't be pissed off about every one of them, because dammit, I love movies!

The Lego Movie is fantastic. It's fast, funny, and just fun to watch. Go see it. Now. In the theater with other people. It's worth your time and money, and you'll enjoy it so much more as part of a live audience.

I'd love to say more about it, but given how many of my "friends" have yet to see it (I'll drop the quotes when I see ticket stubs), apparently I still have to avoid spoilers. And half the fun of this film is letting its lunacy unfold in front of you.

I mean, I suppose I can say something without giving away details. Most of the jokes in the movie, and jokes account for about 95% of it, are beautifully timed gems. There's a few running gags in the film, and the directors hit them exactly right. The gags didn't get stale, and they always knew the perfect moment to call one back for a surprise extra laugh. Don't chat with your neighbor, don't chew loud foods, don't fucking blink, or you'll miss something good.

Also, this movie, the one made of Legos, called The Lego Movie? The one where all the water, explosions and fucking everything are made of CG Legos? I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure nobody in the whole film ever spoke the word "Lego". It didn't occur to me while I was watching, only days afterward. If I'm right, though, great call on the part of the filmmakers. Another production team might have used it everywhere, shoving "Lego" in places it didn't even make sense. The way they do with words like "Smurf", or "Wahlberg". Keeping "Lego" out of the dialog allowed the world to feel like its own place, where the characters didn't define themselves by the toy brand, and that helped them feel more real, more like characters unto themselves. Well played. Class act, those director guys.

So, seriously. Go see it NOW. Everything really is awesome.

There, that wasn't so bad! I can be positive now and then. Well done, everyone! Bang-up job!

Yep.

...Okay, if I have to give one negative, I'll go exactly this far: in the opening scene of the film (not a spoiler!), Morgan Freeman sounds like he just woke up. After being drugged. As if the only reason he was in the film at all is because the producers abducted him off the street and kept him doped up in the sound booth. But it's all good after that. Really. He has a scene later on, the nature of which I can't mention because of goddamn spoilers that you don't deserve to avoid because why haven't you stopped reading to go watch this movie yet... and in that scene he's hilarious.

And to be fair to Mr. Freeman, the guy's old. Like, really, really, fucking old. He'll die some day, and probably fairly soon.

Jesus...Morgan Freeman is going to die.

I gotta go think for a bit...

Damn.

Heavensbee, Say it Ain't So!

Philip Seymour Hoffman has died, most likely from a drug overdose. Maybe it wasn't even a typical overdose, as there are reports of spiked, ultra-potent heroin making the rounds. All speculation and rumor as far as I know. I don't research shit.

I can't say I'm shocked by his passing. Disappointed, definitely. He was a very talented actor and, according to many, a nice guy. He never said anything mean to me.

But no, not shocked.

I've been watching Philip Seymour Hoffman's movies for, what, twenty years now? And in that time he's aged forty. The man was candid about addiction, and for the past several years, in spite of the makeup teams of many major studios, he's looked like he already had one foot in the ground. His was the face of a man aggressively abusing his own health.

Like Heath Ledger before him, he didn't deserve to die. And we didn't deserve to lose him. But it is what it is, and there's no bringing him back.

That is, until Lionsgate decides to resurrect him digitally for the next two Hunger Games films! Yay, movies!

Or maybe they could just replace him with Don Cheadle.

Eisenberg is Luthor, and it Doesn't Matter

Jesse Eisenberg is Lex Luthor, and it doesn't fucking matter.

I don't mean that in some big-picture, people-are-starving kind of way. (Although they are. C'mon guys, it's the price of a cup of coffee...in 1983.) No, I mean it makes no difference for the film. Before I explain why, let's discuss the thing people are (wrongly) focused on about the Man of Steel films. Right now, the only notable thing about the upcoming Batman/Superman movie is who they've cast in the--

Hang on. Wait.

Okay, first off, let's stop fucking kidding ourselves. This isn't the next Man of Steel movie. It's the first Justice League movie. It's got Superman, of course. Or Hope-man, or Symbol-on-the-chest Man, or whatever they're going to call him now that they got all that smirky, winking bullshit out of their system last time. And it's got Batman...sort of. Wonder Woman is in there somewhere too. There's even talk of possibly adding Martian Manhunter. And please, good lord please, tell me they'll include DC's longest-running punchline, Aquaman.

Everyone knows that The Avengers raised the stakes -- and the erections -- at the studios with film rights to major comics properties. Fuck's sake, they're making a fucking Ant-Man movie just to help establish more backstory for Avengers 2! So DC fanboys have been waiting on the edge of their folding chairs for the announcement of an official JLA movie. Never mind the fact that, unlike Marvel, the DC films haven't earned it yet by building film characters who stand out in their own right. Who cares? With each new leak about League favorites joining the crew, it gets clearer and clearer that, whatever the movie's title, it's going to at least introduce the future team. Neckbeards, rejoice!

But -- and I'm getting back on point now about the wrong thing people focus on -- each time they announce a new character, whipping fans into a frenzy of casting speculation, they quickly turn around and dick-punch the audience with a baffling choice of actors. We still know nothing of the story (that early tease, where we were led to believe we'd finally see the famous Frank Miller Batman vs. Superman cage match in a live-action film, has since been walked back), so all we have to fuss and fight over is the casting.

Batman! Photoshopped images flooded the internet, people copy-pasting countless actors' heads onto Batman's body. Many guesses were posted on blogs, many denials were issued by actors' agents, and many friendships were tested. Me, I was kind of partial to the Josh Brolin version myself, even though I knew that it wouldn't matter.

Then we learned that the part was being given to Ben Affleck, and there was a weeks-long period of mourning. Much sobbing, much bile, much support for Ben from that fat director who bought his old house. Even now, people console one another, recalling where they were when they heard the news that the guy from Reindeer Games was going to be the new Batman. But it didn't really bug me, because I knew it didn't matter.

(Oooh, hushed silence.)

After a time, word leaked out that Wonder Woman would join the roster. Holy shit! FINALLY! Sweaty palms dusted off old jpegs of Megan Fox in digital WW gear. Trembling fingers scoured Google Images for the perfect blend of beauty (tits) and strength (bigger tits) to fill the breastplate of the Amazon princess. But then little-known Gal Gadot, from the "Fast & Fuckall" series, was tapped for the role. Once again, people lost their shit. "How could they not cast (insert just about any fucking name)", they cried. Was she too cutesy? A little too slender for the part? Maybe. Maybe not. But it still didn't matter.

(How can he be so calm about this shit?)

And then came yet another soul-crushing blow. Jesse Eisenberg will play Lex Luthor? How dare they cast Mark Zuckerberg in that crucial role? The one that was first made so non-threatening by Gene Hackman, and then so non-human by Kevin Spacey! Why were they doing this to us? Why, God, why???

*sigh*...

You're just not getting it.

It doesn't fucking matter!

(But why doesn't it matter? How could the cast of a movie full of long-standing icons not matter?)

Because Zach Snyder, that's why.

Snyder has a great eye for visuals. He makes beautiful commercials and music videos. But it's the human element that's lacking from his work. The production design is intricate and gorgeous. Costumes, environments, special effects, all come together to paint a stunning picture, which is probably why we're forced to watch half the fucking thing in slow motion.

But Snyder does't connect with his characters. Not even a bit. He doesn't understand what motivates them, or how to convey their personal story to the audience. It may well be the reason his casting choices are often so inscrutable (Ozymandias, anyone?). How do you match actors to characters when you don't understand either? Audiences walked out of Man of Steel not knowing how to feel, other than maybe a little pissed, because the movie never gave them a chance to feel anything. Amazing musical score aside, and despite the best efforts of a huge VFX team, the film as a whole had no heart. Just like every Snyder film, everything was superficial. No real people. No sense of humanity, no matter how much of the dialog was devoted to that very fucking thing. Just 'splosions. But that makes for great trailers, and great trailers get butts in seats.

I'm not a loyalist to Marvel or DC. In fact, I couldn't possibly care less. I don't even read these characters comics, not since I was a teen, and that's an embarrassingly long time ago. I'm just a fan of good storytelling, and that's why it's frustrating to watch people pretend that the films from each camp are on equal footing. They're not even close. Avengers followed a large ensemble cast as their individual arcs interwove through an engaging story with a clear conflict and decisive goal. Man of Steel followed one dude, the most well-known superhero on the fucking planet, and couldn't figure out what the hell it was trying to say. I would listen to Joss Whedon, for ten goddamn hours, describe a shockingly bad stomach flu before I'd ever sit through Man of Steel again.

Start with the characters, then build their story, THEN create amazing visuals to support it. DO NOT start with a bunch of effects-based tentpole scenes, then attempt to bridge the space between them with flimsy plot points, and then eventually get around to the characters as an afterthought. When you do that, no actor in the world can destroy your film, because it's ruined already.