Well, Fuck Me Right Up the Ass

Next up in the line of Films That Don't Need Making, in 2015 we'll get a CG theatrical feature called "How the Grinch Got Ass-Raped for Quick Easy Cash".

Every mention of this that I see online keeps making sure to mention that it'll be "an animated version of Dr. Seuss' How the Grinch Stole Christmas", and at first I bristled. I thought they were trying to pretend that there isn't already an animated version out there, one we all know very well, one that's played on TV, for free, every god-forsaken HOLIDAY season (come at me, Palin!) for nearly half a century.

But it just occurred to me, in a way that chills my spine: they're reassuring us that it won't be another live-action abomination like the Jim Carrey movie. Because that's exactly the kind of major, filler-heavy overhaul they have in mind.

I know, I know! They want to not make it awful! That's good, right?

BUT!

Just because it's not a horrific, dimly-lit, prosthetic-fetishizing piece of condescending shit filmed entirely through a fisheye lens, doesn't mean it'll be any good. This one looks to come from Illumination, the people behind Despicable Me. Which is fine. That was a cute, touching film that plucked at the heartstrings just often enough to make the core story work. And then Illumination realized that the Minions were the real reason people loved the movie. So much so, that they went from filler device to plot premise in the sequel, and now they're just giving them their own fucking movie next, because story is hard. Minions are the Steve Urkel of animated characters, moving from comic relief caricature to leading role status, leaving the original stars thoroughly upstaged and ultimately forgotten. Seriously, tell me more about the critical romance subplot between teen-girl-with-glasses and barely-latin-boyfriend.

I like the Minions a lot. They're adorable, fun to watch, and make great animated gifs. But what will take their place in the Grinch movie? What will fill the remaining hour of screen time after the actual story is over? Hackney musical numbers? Yet another compulsory tween puppy-love B-story? An entire pack of rabid, mouth-foaming Maxes, all with bloody antlers strapped to their heads? Actually, I could probably get behind that.

But Illumination also has Dr. Seuss street cred, because they did The Lorax, right?

Fuck. You.

I had the good fortune to be so sleep-deprived when Lorax came out (from working on non-Suessian animated projects), that I actually slept through most of it in the theater. I was one of the lucky ones. Others had to sit through one of the good doctor's less engaging and even less charming books, plus about forty minutes of mid-grade filler.

But it was necessary to make that film, because it carried such an important message about conserving the environment!

Yeah! A message barely sold by that movie to start with, then negated by the fact the film was entirely funded by marketing tie-ins with fuel-guzzling SUVs (with cute, eco-friendly names that mean nothing), plastic Happy Meal toys-slash-landfill, and just about any fucking thing that could support an orange mustache.

So get in line, salivating marketing execs! In exchange for carpet-bombing the globe with Grinchy shit on all your buildings, baubles and billboards, Illumination will model a gift under Cindy Lou Who's tree to remind the audience to buy your rabbit-shaped, vibrating dildo!

And you know exactly where you can stick that...

Not Bad!

The World's End. Not bad!

This isn't a movie review blog, and I'm not getting paid, so I'm not going to go all in with a bunch of details. This is a blog where I write about movie stuff that pisses me off, and Edgar Wright's films generally don't piss me off.

The ending seemed totally unnecessary, and honestly, some of the fight sequences were a bit overlong and repetitive... but now I'm just looking for stuff to call out, and that's kinda being a jerk. Like I said, I'm not getting paid for this; there's no quota for me to fill.

Look, it is what it is. It doesn't take itself too seriously, and doesn't ask you to either. The cheesiest moments are meant to be that way, very tongue-in-cheek and all that. Like the two before it, the final film in the Cornetto Trilogy is a spoof of a particular film genre (and to some degree, of films in general), without anchoring itself to every trope of that genre. It takes the core concept -- in this case, the body-snatching alien race -- and then runs in a different direction with it. Usually toward a fence.

Oh shit! Um, spoilers on that alien invasion part. And maybe the fence.

Ahh, fuck it. You should have had all that figured out from the trailers. And if you're the type who deliberately avoids trailers, yet somehow are ALSO the type who waits until it's on DVD... then screw you, douchebag, you had that coming.

Really, though, it was very much in line with the rest of the "trilogy" (for those who are confused: the three films, Shaun of the Dead, Hot Fuzz, and The World's End are unrelated stories, just made by and starring the same people). There were the usual poignant moments, the brief bursts of sympathy, but only enough to give the characters an arc and help to flesh out the story. Never enough to make you tear your clothing in grief and denial when a key character dies -- spoilers again, woops -- which is appropriate for a spoof.  The Cornetto films are just particularly clever spoofs. Which is why they're not called "Zombie Movie", "Cop Movie", and "Alien Invasion Movie".

(Look at that. Managed to be just a little bitchy about movies after all.)

And accidentally kinda reviewed The World's End, too. Somebody pay me, dammit!

EDIT: Full disclosure, I enjoyed the movie. My wife and I laughed out loud often. But this blog isn't called I LOVE That I Love Movies.

Get Off the Pot

Enough rambling in the abstract. Time to actually watch a movie! Tonight's selection: The World's End. Hope the final chapter of the Cornetto Trilogy holds up!

ALL THE FRAMES

Thank god Peter Jackson is spearheading the inevitable move to 60fps -- that's frames per second to the uninitiated -- in film production. (I know I'm late on this, but I just opened this blog two days ago, so get off my ass.) After all, that's what's been lacking in the theaters, right? With films like Ride Along, The Nut Job, and Devil's Due opening this weekend, it's clear we've reached a new Golden Age of film. But now that we've reached this pinnacle of storytelling, there's nowhere left to go, right?

WRONG, motherfucker! We can travel inward, into the endless void between those 24 frames! Science stuff makes it clear that there are infinite points in both space and time. Infinite points within a second, and infinite points between each of those points! Think of all the narrative lost in the chasm between frame 1,657 and frame 1,658... I weep for us all when I consider what might have occurred in the time between Bruce Willis punching that dude in the face, and Bruce Willis still in the process of punching that same dude's face.

Sure, maybe it gives people headaches and nausea, but there's always an adjustment period to new technology. Remember all those seizures when they introduced "talkies"?

On a side note, as an animator who's worked on a few films full of CG characters, let me just give Mr Jackson my most sincere thanks. I know that my fellow craftsmen and I have long wished that there were over twice as many frames to fill with convincing, relatable character animation. For no additional pay.

Thanks. Really.

Portal Films are Exactly Like High School Musicals

In my senior year at El Modena, the big Spring Musical was going to be Oklahoma! (emphasis not added). The auditions for that ambitious production were hugely successful, in that a ton of very talented people -- including many who'd never done anything with the drama classes -- were discovered and added to the roster.

But no matter how many ways the producers cut it, they just couldn't match the particular talents of those kids to the needs of the various roles in that show. They knew they had an amazing cast; it just wasn't an Oklahoma! cast.

So they scrapped what they were doing, and spent an entire night digging through dozens and dozens of musicals, trying to find a show that would be a solid fit for this impressive group of earnest kids. They landed on The Pajama Game, and that production turned out to be fucking AMAZING.

Sometimes you have to tailor your work to your available resources. Sometimes that gets you a far better result than what you originally had in mind. The shark in Jaws didn't work right, so instead we got to see a fin and some yellow barrels, and it was fucking brilliant.

For most of 2013, I was trying to make my Portal short film with a group of talented, earnest young artists. But we were spinning our wheels and getting nowhere, stalling out due to a shortage of texture artists, myriad technical hurdles, a bloated pipeline... you name it. And that was just from trying to put out a 30-second teaser. I've been trying to emulate a major studio's production methods, but what I have is an indie production crew. I've been trying to make Oklahoma! when I should be making The Pajama Game.

I don't have a major studio's resources, and I shouldn't try to pretend that I do. What I do have is a group of people with a very specific set of skills. Time to Neeson this bitch.

Kristen Stuart Cannot be Killed

And now Kristen Stuart will star in the romantic comedy, "1984".

I just realized: she's Keanu Reeves. Not really an actor so much as a cipher. A blank face onto which the audience can project themselves. Perfect for epic, plot-heavy, non-character-driven franchises.

She'll work forever.

Fuck.

So I'm Blogging. How Very 2006.

Friends tell me to blog my angry movie stuff, because I rant endlessly about films that piss me off. Unless those same friends keep reminding me, chances are I'll forget I even started this thing. Off we go!