Every mention of this that I see online keeps making sure to mention that it'll be "an animated version of Dr. Seuss' How the Grinch Stole Christmas", and at first I bristled. I thought they were trying to pretend that there isn't already an animated version out there, one we all know very well, one that's played on TV, for free, every god-forsaken HOLIDAY season (come at me, Palin!) for nearly half a century.
But it just occurred to me, in a way that chills my spine: they're reassuring us that it won't be another live-action abomination like the Jim Carrey movie. Because that's exactly the kind of major, filler-heavy overhaul they have in mind.
I know, I know! They want to not make it awful! That's good, right?
BUT!
Just because it's not a horrific, dimly-lit, prosthetic-fetishizing piece of condescending shit filmed entirely through a fisheye lens, doesn't mean it'll be any good. This one looks to come from Illumination, the people behind Despicable Me. Which is fine. That was a cute, touching film that plucked at the heartstrings just often enough to make the core story work. And then Illumination realized that the Minions were the real reason people loved the movie. So much so, that they went from filler device to plot premise in the sequel, and now they're just giving them their own fucking movie next, because story is hard. Minions are the Steve Urkel of animated characters, moving from comic relief caricature to leading role status, leaving the original stars thoroughly upstaged and ultimately forgotten. Seriously, tell me more about the critical romance subplot between teen-girl-with-glasses and barely-latin-boyfriend.
I like the Minions a lot. They're adorable, fun to watch, and make great animated gifs. But what will take their place in the Grinch movie? What will fill the remaining hour of screen time after the actual story is over? Hackney musical numbers? Yet another compulsory tween puppy-love B-story? An entire pack of rabid, mouth-foaming Maxes, all with bloody antlers strapped to their heads? Actually, I could probably get behind that.
But Illumination also has Dr. Seuss street cred, because they did The Lorax, right?
Fuck. You.
I had the good fortune to be so sleep-deprived when Lorax came out (from working on non-Suessian animated projects), that I actually slept through most of it in the theater. I was one of the lucky ones. Others had to sit through one of the good doctor's less engaging and even less charming books, plus about forty minutes of mid-grade filler.
But it was necessary to make that film, because it carried such an important message about conserving the environment!
Yeah! A message barely sold by that movie to start with, then negated by the fact the film was entirely funded by marketing tie-ins with fuel-guzzling SUVs (with cute, eco-friendly names that mean nothing), plastic Happy Meal toys-slash-landfill, and just about any fucking thing that could support an orange mustache.
So get in line, salivating marketing execs! In exchange for carpet-bombing the globe with Grinchy shit on all your buildings, baubles and billboards, Illumination will model a gift under Cindy Lou Who's tree to remind the audience to buy your rabbit-shaped, vibrating dildo!
And you know exactly where you can stick that...
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